MY TOXIC TRAIT : CODEPENDENCY
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| Source : Pinterest |
Do you remember how I was saying how I always put my mans first & how resentful I was becoming about it? & how I am always fixing situations even when it drains me?? It has a name yooo! It's called codependency which Wikipedia defines as a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Basically, it is when I derive my identity & self- esteem from moving heaven & earth to fix his issues ( even when he did not ask me to) without considering my own needs then feeling resentful when he doesn't acknowledge my great sacrifice the way I want him to. Matyr much? It's not just him, some friends of mine too then when I burn out I get resentful & ghost them.It is also me flipping out because I couldn't reach him when I wanted to talk to him or when he takes what feels like ages to reply. It is me dropping my plans to tag along with his. Now that I am putting this down I wonder how he puts up with me. I mean, he's not even remotely perfect but come on, even I am tired of myself & even ashamed especially after taking him on one of my guilt trips.
Never have I ever considered myself to be needy or even manipulative. But for a while now I have noticed that each time I am dissatisfied with my life, I get needy & controlling. Like I want him to text me 24/7 even though he has a full time job & a life outside work. I want him to see how invaluable & awesome I am & which is basically me wanting him to make me feel good & happy. It feels so strange admitting this because I know that being happy is my responsibility & that his responsibility is not to take from the happiness. I know that it is unfair to expect someone else to be your everything ; to expect them to love you unconditionally even when you yourself fail to do so. If I am being honest, I think this is why I did not date anyone for too long so that I did not have to sit with myself & address this. Now the chickens have come home to roost for me & I have to save myself ( before I wreck myself). Terri Cole's Are you Codependent or Caring? Checklist Inside video has been a great starting point for me. Below is her checklist:
- Are you endlessly trying to save people from making mistakes or “wrong” decisions in their lives?
- Are you overly invested in other people’s choices and outcomes?
- Do you frequently do things for others that they don’t ask you to do?
- Or maybe when something is happening to someone else…it also deeply feels like it’s happening to you?
Further, she states that codependency in practice might look something this:
- Feeling responsible for the choices, outcomes and the feeling states of other people.
- Feeling like you need to be “needed” by others.
- Drawing a sense of self-worth and identity from the help you give others.
- Needing to be a part of the solution to someone else’s problem.
- Doing more than you’re asked to do.
- Not being aware or dialed into your OWN needs.
- Being very aware and invested in the needs, the wants and the desires of others, especially those you love.
- Doing things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves.
- Overdoing and overgiving (and you’re EXHAUSTED.)
- Covering for others (anyone staying up until 2 AM to finish their kids’ science project that they “forgot” was due tomorrow?)
- Harboring feelings of resentment, bitterness or martyrdom.
